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There are two phrases in the classic wedding vows: “for better and for worse” and “in sickness and in health.” But at a wedding, “worse” and “sickness” are the last things people want to consider. They want to get to the meat of the ceremony. The reception. The first dance. The cake. The food. You name it. The gifts. The honeymoon.
But eventually, in my case, 27 years after our wedding, “worse” and “sickness” came into play.
After my heart failure diagnosis and placement into home hospice care, things looked pretty dire. When I got home, I donated most of my belongings to various charities and my books to the library, and we got our legal paperwork updated so everything would be in place for my wife when I died. I didn’t want her to have to deal with all my stuff.
My wife, April, gradually had to step in to take on a lot of responsibilities in a very short time.
My wife is about a foot shorter than I am, but she had to follow me up various stairs, across crosswalks and across other uneven pavements, although there was clearly no way she could have caught and supported me if I fell back on her. (Although sometimes, when walking down the street, I get to hold her hand for balance, and I greatly like that part and always give her hand a squeeze.)
But there was no question in my mind, or in her mind, that she was totally there for me.
Almost instantly, my strength left me, and I had to start giving household chores to her because I was not able to bend without holding on to something, or else I would lose my balance, which would not be a good thing. I have had two bad falls in the past six months. I still stubbornly insist on doing the things I still can: loading and unloading the dishwasher and cooking the occasional meal. My remaining small contributions are very important to me.
She never complained, but she just took it as a natural part of our relationship as it progressed along the sudden crooked path that we had been thrown into.
Over time, thankfully, through a lot of medication prayer and positive thinking, my prognosis got better, and I was in a much better place mentally and physically. I could share that improved state with April. And we both rejoiced.
This was not necessarily the typical reaction of posters on my Heart Failure Facebook group, where ill spouses would be expected to do pretty much what they always had. Which just made the patient feel worse. We don’t have children, but I couldn’t help marveling at how a single parent could get through this.
As time went on, I needed her assistance more and more. She had to eventually take over the chores of the garbage, the laundry, and caring for the cats, and she does it without complaint. I had to stop driving. We only have one car, so it occasionally took some time to juggle schedules. She still goes out sometimes for lunch or dinner with ex-coworkers, and I encourage that 100%. She must have her own life and enjoyment, too – and a break from the medical dramas.
And as time went on she added “caregiver” to our relationship. She has to help me sometimes with the bathroom in the house and in restaurants and she has to go upstairs and get my clothes for the coming evening and the following day. If I wake up in the night she wakes up in the night to help in whatever way she can.
Her positive attitude affects my positive attitude and that is a big part of why I am still here, I think.
This blog posting is in honor of my beloved wife, who took the “for better and for worse” and “in sickness and in health” of our vows absolutely to heart. She is an even bigger part of my life than she was before. Love you, April.
Douglas MacGowan has lived in Redwood City for 24 years and has been a part-time freelance writer since 1994, when his first article was published. Over the years, he has written books and articles about 19th-century British history and abnormal psychology. His latest book, “The Irish Sky,” is a picture book he published with his sister about Irish Mythology.
He has blogged for Pulse previously and is happy to be back!
Delighted to have Mr. MacGowan back. Wishing him improved health.