Jazz Club segregation is a choice

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Jazz Club Segregation – Act One

A county has three cities. One is really rich (something like Atherton), one somewhat poorer (let’s say East Palo Alto), and one somewhere far away (let’s say Belmont). Each of those cities runs its own independent Jazz Club. They all prosper, have individual owners, solid staff, mostly happy customers, and some great performers. For some reason, they put me in charge of a hostile takeover to manage all of them by myself. So I’m going to start working on this by sending home their performers and hiring the best Jazz Artists money can buy. My choices are:

Marshall Bruce Mathers performing as Eminem, representing Detroit.
Benjamin Hammond Haggerty performing as Macklemore, representing Seattle
Rob van Winkle performing as Vanilla Ice, representing Dallas

These are the best Jazz artists of all time…

Jazz Club Segregation – Act Two

Here is where The Editor stepped in and taught me a few lessons about ethical journalism, truth, and such. I didn’t pay too much attention since I knew everything better, but…

It turns out Eminem, Macklemore, and Vanilla Ice aren’t exactly artists of Jazz, but something called Rap. Within the category of rap, these guys are OK but wouldn’t be regarded as the best of their art. I was told I should expand my horizons and probably go past my comfort zone and explore a more ‘diverse’ field of rappers. Sure, same difference, I don’t see color or anything like that. So, first things first, I reach out to a few friends and hire them as consultants. I asked my consultants who in the Rap World would be more diverse and represent the Bay Area better than my three choices. Then we draw some names from a hat, and here it goes:

Stanley Kirk Burrell performing as MC Hammer, representing Oakland
Tupac Shakur performing as 2Pac, representing Marin County
Artis Leon Ivey Jr. performing as Coolio, representing Belmont forthwith known as “Gangsta’s Paradise“.

Jazz Club Segregation – Act Three

(Yes, I know, these are technically Rap Clubs now, but once I’m committed, I go down with the ship)

Since I completely messed up the whole thing, it was decided that there needs to be a Jazz Club District and a Board of Trustees to ensure I don’t mess up again. We call them ‘trustees’ to ensure people trust them. My consultant calls it subliminal messaging, but apparently it works. They also hired a lawyer to protect me and a Jazz Club Equity Consultant to go through all my communication to ensure I’m always saying the right thing. Luckily, it’s just about the ‘saying‘ part.

Anyways, we have a Jazz Club in East Palo Alto featuring 2Pac and Vanilla Ice. We have one in Atherton featuring Eminem and MC Hammer. And we have Michelle Pfeiffer, Coolio and Macklemore in Belmont. The club in Atherton is making some noise. Their customers are a little spoiled. They also want Michelle Pfeiffer and threaten to leave the Jazz Club district if they don’t get her. The other two clubs are still doing fine, but their customers don’t spend as much. To make up for the different types of customers, the Board of Trustees suggests Jazz Club Integration – apparently, that’s also the law.

Jazz Club Segregation – Act Four

To mix and match entertainers and customers, the district transforms an empty building into a “Golden Jazz Club”. They also call it a magnet club. One of our trustees seems to have some side hustle going, so we hired an expensive consultant company named “Martha Stuart Rappers.” They give us access to Dr. Dre and someone named Snoop Dogg – apparently, some famous Olympian who is exempt from drug testing. They also tell us to take a ‘Chance at the Rapper’ and hire ‘Megan and her horse’ for gender equity. At this point, I don’t even care anymore. Martha has street cred; if she vouches for any of them, we will send a contract.

Now, my trustees are kicking into full gear and becoming inventive. They are coming up with schemes to make the ‘Golden Club Experience’ even more enjoyable for the rich people of Atherton. And despite calling our little Jazz District a “Choice Jazz District” now, they started secretly limiting attendance. So now only some have a real choice because there is a secret handshake, a Rap IQ test, and a lottery to get in. The justification of the scheme is that the segregation of rich people in the ‘Golden Club Experience’ should free up seats in the regular clubs in Atherton and Belmont, and they could bus over customers from East Palo Alto to those two locations. Voila, integration happened! Problem solved!

Jazz Club Segregation – Act Five

Another setback. We are running out of money. The Golden Jazz Club – with all its bells and whistles to make the rich people content – is very expensive, and that money needs to come from somewhere. On top of that, the problem wasn’t solved, and we don’t have real integration either. We hired a consultant to dig into the funding for East Palo Alto and Belmont a bit. Apparently, the number of possible customers is limited, which means our income is also somewhat limited. To help with that, the consultant suggested to the board that we set up a “Jazz Club Foundation” to support me. The lawyer can set them up so they can legally collect donations and take gifts; they can help make the district look poor so donations go up; they can help protect the Golden Jazz Club against complaints from the other three. Of course, they need their own building and salaried administration. And turns out that if your district has ‘underserved Jazz clubs, ‘ the state sends more money but leaves all the spending control to The Locals. Sweet!

Anyway, after just a few months, we now have four somewhat very different-looking jazz clubs:

The Golden Magnet Club is mostly full of rich Atherton guys who are doing great.
The Atherton Neighborhood Club is now full of Atherton and Belmont customers and a few from East Palo Alto.
The Belmont Neighborhood Club still has some Belmont customers, but it is filled with many customers who are bused in from East Palo Alto. It’s not doing so well. Macklemore left the building.
The East Palo Alto club isn’t doing well either. Snoop Dogg prohibits us from using 2Pac’s hologram. We might close that one soon and save some money.

Jazz Club Segregation – Act Six

Every magician knows several versions of the “sleight of hand” trick. The quick-fingered trickster will try to distract you while he might steal your watch, your wallet, your dignity. This Jazz Club Example did the same. It should be clear by now that somebody like me should not be running a Jazz Club District or be around anything to do with music. But while you were wondering if I keep slipping up with the whole Jazz/Rap thing or the ‘diverse’ setup of my performers and my customers, I really just committed Jazz Club Segregation of the finest. On top of that, I set up several expensive firewalls to protect myself and keep wasting funding left and right. And I managed to have people feel sorry for my plight.

Instead of having three viable, economical, successful, much-loved neighborhood jazz clubs in three different cities, I ended up with …

The district now owns six buildings instead of 3.
One new club building and a new downtown office for our finest district leaders.
Another building goes to our foundation, which I also led.
We are planning an “Athletic Center”; our hardworking trustees need to relax somewhere.
We are building ‘Workforce Housing” or maybe just a downtown penthouse for myself.
Of course, my friends are running the district’s real estate side.
Instead of providing balance through parents, our foundation is set up for Astroturfing.
My trustees don’t challenge me as long as I tickle all their fancy.
Rich people now have two clubs to choose from in Atherton: the golden one and the neighborhood one.
Belmont customers might not like to drive all the way to Atherton and might not like to mingle with the East Palo Alto customers; they might stay home altogether.
We need to pay 8-10 artists instead of 6, so everybody will have a pay cut.
The original six performers aren’t too happy with the new setup; some already left.
We will soon have a “Performer Shortage” and might just show YouTube videos on the screen.
Since a lot of the money to pay for all of this came from the East Palo Alto and Belmont clubs, which now look somewhat run down and ‘underserved’.

Jazz Club Segregation – The End

We could just roll all of this nonsense back to the original setup. Everything could be fixed within 3-5 years with absolutely no drawbacks. But the Board of Trustees and the Golden Club customers don’t want to give up their privileges. Once somebody finds a way to give themselves stuff for free, people quickly get addicted, and entitlement sets in. And nobody has found a vaccine against that.

There are several types of firewalls to protect this scheme:

One Superintendent of Jazz Clubs (and highest paid employee).
A Board of Overlords bound by the Brown Act (to keep things secret).
District administrators, including lawyers and equity consultants (many close friends and family).
A Jazz Club Foundation full of rich people doing do-gooder stuff (aka Astroturfing).

Plus a County Superintendent of Jazz Clubs, a County Board with board members with free access to the ‘Golden Club’ and various other County-wide and California-wide organizations supporting real estate deals over music.

Post.Scriptum.

This is a work of fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog post are either the product of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events within local school districts like RCSD, SUHSD, and SMCCCD is purely coincidental.

Editor’s Note: The views and opinions expressed in all blog posts are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of the Redwood City Pulse or its staff.